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Y’know how the writers at The Onion sometimes seem to be just going through the motions? And sometimes the headline is funny, but the article itself isn’t worth reading? Well, the latest issue has one of those pieces that’s great all the way through: “Five Years Later: NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole”:

“Let this circle of flowers — brief, beautiful, and too soon gone — symbolize the respect we have shown for the memories of those innocents who lost their lives on that sorrowful morning by creating this great hole,” said the Reverend Charles Bourne of Lower Manhattan’s Trinity Chapel as the flowers sank into the brown, debris-strewn runoff at the bottom of the cavity. “I firmly believe, as does every person here, that this deep, empty hole has come to stand not only for the New York City of today, but also for the transformation of the entire United States since Sept. 11, 2001.”
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Via [livejournal.com profile] mcroft: Add your own subtitles to a short Bollywood movie clip! Here’s mine, from a script by E Gary Gygax!
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I see that somebody's putting a bounty on the heads of the Danish cartoonists. But is he serious?

President of Goldsmiths' association, Israr Ahmed Khan, said his organization would fix the amount on Saturday. "We will definitely announce (the reward money) and it will be in dollars," Khan said.

Nah, I guess not.

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For the artistically inclined in the NYC area: There’s gonna be a Sketchcrawl this Sunday, at the Museum of Natural History, starting at 11 AM, in the Hall of North American Mammals. Meet Enrico Casarosa and Danny Gregory.

And for the rest of you, watch this amazingly cool Xbox commercial that Microsoft decided not to use. (via [livejournal.com profile] cthulhia)
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Old Jewish joke:

Three Reform rabbis are bragging about how liberal their synagogues are. One starts off “Our temple is so liberal, we allow smoking on Yom Kippur.”

The second says “That’s nothing; on Yom Kipper we brought in a caterer and served ham sandwiches.”

The third says “Ah, you two are practically Orthodox. At Yom Kippur, our temple had a sign up: Closed for the Holidays.”

And now, the news: Many megachurches will be closed December 25th. (via GetReligion)
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Unintelligent Design Network, Inc:

We hereby propose that a new debate be held, including members of the scientific community to argue that evolution should be taught as is, members of SEAO or the Intelligent Design Network, Inc. to argue that life shows evidence of an intelligent, omnipotent creator, and member of our organization to argue that although life was designed by an all-powerful creator, he is in reality pretty dumb and not very good at it. [...]

There have been 23 elephant-like animals in history, and yet only two survive today (and we add, they're not doing very well). Clearly, this is the mark of an all-powerful creator who is stuck on the same stupid idea and can't figure out why the hell they keep dying off. Hmm, perhaps it's because giant, big-eared mammals with huge, prehensile noses are ridiculous? I mean, WTF? A giant, powerful, grasping… nose? It looks like something a preschooler would make up. [...]

And who the hell though giraffes were a good idea? Bloody unlikely looking, if you ask me. And those tyrannosaurus, with the tiny little arms? Why even leave the arms in, except to flail about Corky looking for a snack. Speaking on this subject, did you know whales have hip bones? That's like if a human engineer put an outboard boat motor on a city bus. I think it's clear God never went to college, and I'm thinking it's sketchy he even has his GED. They guys in middle school shop class made more function and professional looking projects that half of God's motley menagerie.
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If you’re a web development geek you’ll find Web 1.0 hilarious. If not, not. (via 43 Folders)

And everybody’s gotta love Shitstorm Tommy! (via [livejournal.com profile] immlass)
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Y’all seen The Shining, right?

Ever wonder what it’d have been like if made by, say, the Lifetime Channel?

[livejournal.com profile] immlass and [livejournal.com profile] mcroft just showed us.
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Best non-political blog entry: “Life and death” by Chris Clarke (via Patrick Nielsen Hayden)

Best article about political writing: “Flathead: The peculiar genius of Thomas L. Friedman” by Matt Taibbi in the NY Press. And don’t miss the Friedman-esque parodies of Keat’s “On First Looking into Chapman’s ‘Homer’” in Teresa Nielsen Hayden’s Making Light.

Best article about economics and honesty: “What the Bagel Man Saw — An Accidental Glimpse at Human Nature” (via Kottke)

Best musical response to an obscure historical note about a current event: “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” by [livejournal.com profile] tahnan

Best webcomic I discovered this month: Ojingogo by Matthew Forsythe.
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Idaho State Legislature’s House Concurrent Resolution No. 29:
A Concurrent Resolution Stating Legislative Findings and Commending Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City of Preston for the Production of the Movie "Napoleon Dynamite."
[...] WHEREAS, tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's most famous export; and
WHEREAS, the friendship between Napoleon and Pedro has furthered multiethnic relationships; and
WHEREAS, Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics;
and [...]
WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!" [...]
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So most of you have seen Jon Carroll’s Unitarian Jihad column. I know this, because most of you have linked to it, and half of those have done so with annoying info-free links just saying “go read this” with no hint as to what you want me to read, which is less annoying than pop-up ads, but still ranks up there on the list of Most Annoying Internet Behaviors.

Props to [livejournal.com profile] whumpdotcom for cobbling together the Unitarian Jihad Name Generator. This generates names like:

Sister/Brother Pepper Spray of Courteous Debate
Sister/Brother Atom Bomb of Patience
Sister/Brother Gatling Gun of Loving Kindness

...and every Dogs in the Vineyard player in the world (all couple dozen of us) is probably thinking the same thing, aren’t we?
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The Terri Shiavo case has everybody thinking about living wills and instructions for killing them and whatnot. Here’s mine:

If I’m ever reduced to a comatose or vegetative state beyond the hope of cure by medical science, I want to be restored to health by the power of black magic. Spare no goats or chickens in the effort; let the hospice halls run red with the blood of sacrifices to Satanic powers.

If human sacrifice becomes necessary, make it somebody I don’t like. I hereby appoint [livejournal.com profile] bugsybanana as arbiter of whom I dislike, so don’t piss her off.

(Would “Dark Satanic Wills” have been a better title?)
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“Pope Loses Battle With Peace-Symbol Dove”
“Gowan, geddadaheah, ya symbols of peace ya!”
(AP photos, so check ’em out before they go away.)

“I Ate iPod Shuffle”
A poem. Contains much more humor than you’d think was inherent in the premise.

“Williamsburg Doesn’t Need a Space Elevator”
Sez you!

Goldfish Racetrack
Yes, it’s a racetrack for goldfish. Place yer bets!

The Ad Graveyard
Advertisements that never got made. The first dozen or so are really funny, then it drops off.

pshift — The Unix paradigm shift utility
“Normally pshift operates silently; in verbose mode it publishes a 500+ page bestseller entitled ‘Rethinking [input stream] in the [zeitgeist] Age’, and then begins soliciting honoraria until the operator types ctrl-c. On some systems it runs for Congress.”

Unusual Wikipedia articles
Did you know that the Wikipedia has entries on an evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet, or the anime concept of hammerspace, or on a boy named Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 (pronounced “Alvin”), or a timeline of unfulfilled Christian prophecy, or about the classical Chinese poem “Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den” which consists of the word “shi” repeated 92 times with varying tones, or Gene Ray’s Time Cube theory?
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Ah, Wikipedia! Sure, the stuffy old guard may doubt your accuracy (though the Encyclopædia Britannica might not be any better), but how many encyclopedias have not just an entry on the umlaut, but a separate entry on the use of the umlaut in heavy metal rock band names? (“At one Mötley Crüe performance in Germany, the entire audience started chanting, ‘Moertley Crueh!’”)

Tip: Wikipedia’s search function is kinda slow. I just do a Google search, adding in “wikipedia” as a search term.
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Tiny aliens landed in my office and left a crop circle near my desk!

cue X-Files theme now )
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Yesterday was the day for computer troubles that didn’t affect me much. I saw in the morning that LJ was down, but I spent the day out gaming, so no prob. Panix, my ISP, got hacked, but I hardly use Panix anymore, so that didn’t affect me. (I’ve got my email forwarded from the grumer.org host directly to gMail now, so all the hackers are getting is spam from people using my old address.) The only annoying thing was that when I got home, my LJ was in read-only mode for some occult database-updating reason, so I couldn’t post these links to funny stuff:

The Silly Sleeping Cat Pose Olympics (via The Poorman)

[livejournal.com profile] calamityjon translates Japanese television guides so you don’t have to!
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The People Who Owned the Bible
by Will Shetterly

It was time for another Mickey Mouse Copyright Extension to keep Disney's star property out of the public domain. Somebody's nephew had a bright idea. Instead of telling Congress to add the standard twenty years to the length of copyright, why not go for the big time? Extend copyright by 500 years....
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Hanzi Smatter
Dedicated to the misuse of Chinese characters in Western culture. Check out the unfortunate tattoos like “Abusive Husband Pimps Me Out”. (Via Majikthise)

Why women live longer than men
Photos of people being very cleverly stupid. (Via Making Light)

Imitation chicken: presidents and
Imitation chicken: states
Photos of KFC knock-offs. I love that almost none of the state-based ones are located in the states they’re named for. (Via the front page of del.icio.us)
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Lynne Cheney (yes, wife of the vice-president Lynne Cheney, mother of Mary Cheney Lynne Cheney, how­dare­you­mention­that­my­openly­gay­daughter­is­a­lesbian­even­though­she­worked­for­years­doing­gay­outreach­for­Coors Lynne Cheney) wrote a book called Sisters, a lesbian frontier romance novel, back in 1981. Now it’s available for your reading pleasure, right here on LiveJournal, at [livejournal.com profile] lynnecheney:
Her body screamed at her to stop, from a place somewhere in the base of her skull, and once she identified where the screams were coming from, she bundled a quivering mass of nerves and lifted them to her forehead, to a spot above her eyes, where she could smile disinterestedly at their violent protests and go on.

But it took such an expenditure of will to keep the jangling mass suspended. She could only do it so long before it began to break loose and invade every part of the brain....

I know just how she feels.

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