Able was I ere I saw Ikea

[avram]

Zee letest step in zee oongueeng Mufeen’ tu Jueesey chruneecles ves a feesit tu Ikea, veet my perents fuuteeng zee beell. (Zeey’re-a neece-a thet vey. Bork bork bork!) Zee plun ves tu booy a dresser/cluzees cebeenet theengie-a tu meke-a up fur my bedruum’s leck ooff clusets, und un Ifer shelfeeng uneet fur buuks und stooffff veet a booeelt-in drup-leeff desk fur my cumpooter. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! (Fur dreveeng I’fe-a steell gut zee dreveeng teble-a zeey gut me-a vey beck in my cullege-a deys. Um gesh dee bork, bork!) Und I’d peeck up rundum essurted stooffff elung zee vey, leeke-a a smell bedseede-a teble-a. I’d tekee meesoorements a foo deys egu, und hefe-a un oold Ikea cetelug oon hund, su I cuoold feegoore-a oooot vhet vuoold feet. Um de hur de hur de hur.

Fur zee dresser I settled oon three-a 20" Pex uneets veet pooll-oooot shelfes, a cluzees reeel, a truooser hunger, und booeelt-in loondry besket. Um de hur de hur de hur. Und a fooll-lengt murrur fur oone-a ooff zee duurs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thees plun deedn’t soorfeefe-a cuntect veet zee clerk. Zeey dun’t hefe-a zee murrur in stuck, oor zee shelfes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Meybe-a next munt. Nu, zeey cun’t reserfe-a zeem, I’fe-a gutta gu beck next munt effter calleeng tu see-a iff zeey’fe-a gut zee stooffff. Boot ve-a buooght zee rest ooff it, und ve’re-a hefeeng it deleefered next veek; it cun seet in oooor cepeceeuoos sturege-a spece-a teell it’s reedy tu be-a essembled. Bork bork bork!

Zee Ifer ves a seemiler stury — inuoogh ooff zee necessery cumpunents vere-a oon hund thet I cun booeeld zee secshun veet zee desk, boot stureeng my buuks veell hefe-a tu veeet teell zeey get mure-a nerroo shelfes in stuck. Groomble-a, groomble-a.

Und I fuoond a bedseede-a teble-a I leeke-a, boot ve-a joost pleeen furgut ebuoot it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Gut luts ooff oozeer stooffff thuoogh, leeke-a lemps und a veendoo bleend. Bork bork bork! Ooh, demn, furgut tu get a roog.

Comments

Chris says don't do this again.

[(Anonymous)]

Was this as hard to write as it was to read?

Re: Chris says don't do this again.

[avram]

Nope.

Re: Chris says don't do this again.

[(Anonymous)]

Good lord.

Here's a snippet from my blog in jive:

De Al Pacino/Robin Williams film be extremely baaaad, dough ah' hope ah' get t'see da damn No'wegian o'iginal which I'm told be even better. Ah be baaad... Comin' crib at 3 am Sunday mo'nin' fum mah' Danksgivin' trip t'Boston afta' seein' dis, ah' gained new insight into plum whut it means t'be "de city dat neva' sleeps;" no wonda' New Yo'k be haggard, surly, disheveled, hallucinato'y, and prone t'missnatch'd in judgment. Man! (Avram offered "unwuzhed," but da damn phrase be not "de city dat neva' bades.")

Aaight. This is so wrong.